Monday, January 17, 2011

Flaws, Imperfections and Weaknesses

I don’t like it when my apple cart is upset. I don’t like when things don’t go according to my plans. I really struggle with my reactions sometimes. Lately, this has been manifesting itself a lot in my running. Last week, I had a great hill workout. I felt quick and light, like I was conquering those hills. It seemed almost effortless. And then every other run I had that week felt heavy and laborious. I felt, as I broadcast over twitter, like a doughy, leaden mollusk. I even cut a run short because things were just hurting. Rather than just take this at face value and accept that I needed to take it a bit easier, I went into a funk. This wasn’t my plan. This wasn’t how I wanted things to go. I became sullen, moody and angry with myself. My standards for myself are high and I was failing to live up to them.

I’m the kind of person that wears my heart on my face. I don’t hide my emotions well. I don’t really try to. But when I fear that I am appearing vulnerable or angry, I’ll withdraw. It’s not that I’m ashamed. It’s just that I don’t think anyone needs to see that side of me. I’d just rather they see me smiling.

Recognizing weakness though, I think, is actually a strength. Bit of a pardox, no? But really, if I were satisfied with who I was every day why strive to keep improving?

All I can do –all any of us can do, really—is give the best I can each day. And realize that that is a strength, not a failure. If my best tomorrow doesn’t live up to my best today, well so be it.

For all the flaws, imperfections and weaknesses, I think it’s important to recognize, from time to time, that I have a lot of strengths as well. For one, I DO keep trying to give my best. As a wife, friend, teacher, student, runner, blah blah blah. I do hold myself to very high standards. I am honest, sometimes to a fault, and I value that highly. I can find ways to laugh at everything… EVERYTHING. I am determined. I am devoted to the people in my life and would walk through fire for them.

A shitty run is a shitty run. I shouldn’t let it get the best of me. Bad days happen. Things are beyond my control. If, in the face of them, I am able to say that what I gave was the best I could give then alright. Bring on tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Well, I think you know how I feel considering what I texted you the other day...I think being a runner is kind of a double edged sword. We're pushing our bodies to the limits and achieving amazing things (and to some, impossible things) but at the same time we're still human. We have bad days, or just days when we don't feel like running, and that's okay. I think being a runner has given me more compassion for myself, knowing that I'm able to do so much, I can cut myself some slack and try not to be too hard on myself when things don't go my way.

    Now if you don't mind, I'm going to cry in the corner!!


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