Monday, January 17, 2011
Flaws, Imperfections and Weaknesses
I don’t like it when my apple cart is upset. I don’t like when things don’t go according to my plans. I really struggle with my reactions sometimes. Lately, this has been manifesting itself a lot in my running. Last week, I had a great hill workout. I felt quick and light, like I was conquering those hills. It seemed almost effortless. And then every other run I had that week felt heavy and laborious. I felt, as I broadcast over twitter, like a doughy, leaden mollusk. I even cut a run short because things were just hurting. Rather than just take this at face value and accept that I needed to take it a bit easier, I went into a funk. This wasn’t my plan. This wasn’t how I wanted things to go. I became sullen, moody and angry with myself. My standards for myself are high and I was failing to live up to them.
I’m the kind of person that wears my heart on my face. I don’t hide my emotions well. I don’t really try to. But when I fear that I am appearing vulnerable or angry, I’ll withdraw. It’s not that I’m ashamed. It’s just that I don’t think anyone needs to see that side of me. I’d just rather they see me smiling.
Recognizing weakness though, I think, is actually a strength. Bit of a pardox, no? But really, if I were satisfied with who I was every day why strive to keep improving?
All I can do –all any of us can do, really—is give the best I can each day. And realize that that is a strength, not a failure. If my best tomorrow doesn’t live up to my best today, well so be it.
For all the flaws, imperfections and weaknesses, I think it’s important to recognize, from time to time, that I have a lot of strengths as well. For one, I DO keep trying to give my best. As a wife, friend, teacher, student, runner, blah blah blah. I do hold myself to very high standards. I am honest, sometimes to a fault, and I value that highly. I can find ways to laugh at everything… EVERYTHING. I am determined. I am devoted to the people in my life and would walk through fire for them.
A shitty run is a shitty run. I shouldn’t let it get the best of me. Bad days happen. Things are beyond my control. If, in the face of them, I am able to say that what I gave was the best I could give then alright. Bring on tomorrow.