I recognized yesterday by allowing myself that moment of sadness for the potential that existed before one chromosome zigged when it should have zagged. I acknowledged it. I let it in. Just for a moment. And then I sighed it out. Because I couldn't ignore the kicking of the baby growing in me now, who appears healthy and strong. It gave me a hard kick as if to remind me not to grieve too much for what could have been. Because it is happening now. The energy we created was not destroyed... it was merely waiting.
Right after we found out I was pregnant again, Jeremy and I visited family in Florida. We didn't tell anyone the news. Everything was still too raw and still too frightening. We didn't even know if I could have a healthy baby. It was just a matter of waiting.
We decided to take a day trip to Miami and go to the gallery of Jeremy's favorite contemporary artist, Romero Britto. While we were there, wandering and looking at the poppy, happy, colorful art work Jeremy declared that we needed to purchase something. A totem, he called it. Something to symbolize this pregnancy and something that would bring us happiness when we looked at it. After much searching and debating, we decided on a ceramic bird signed by the artist. We picked a lovely little yellow one. It looked happy enough. We arranged with a member of the staff to have the item shipped to us back in New York. About a week after we got home, the box arrived at our doorstep and when I opened it, the first thing that I saw was that the signature was smudged and completely illegible.
I called Jeremy at work and sent him pictures, and after several days of back and forth phone calls with the gallery, they kindly agreed to send us another bird. When it arrived, and we opened the package, we were again surprised. This time, while all looked perfect, the bird was a different color than the one we ordered. Rather than become upset, Jeremy and I just shrugged and giggled, and looked at the symbol of our pregnancy. It is not the one we thought we'd have at first.