I really wrestled with that last post. I didn't know what to say, how much to share, how much to keep to myself. I didn't know whether I should write it at all. Before I hit "publish" I called my brother and asked if he was okay with me posting this.
Ultimately, I decided, I just wanted to be honest. Before my mom died, I had planned to get back to blogging and training and blogging about training, and all the peaks, valleys, pitfalls and discoveries that happen along the way. I have never been through anything as utterly life-changing as this, and it has impacted absolutely everything about me and my plans. I couldn't write about the next months of training and hard work without writing about my mom and how much her sudden absence has effected every aspect of my life. For the most part, "normal" every day activities have resumed. But, really there is no going back to normal after something like this. There is only ache, adjustment, and discovery of what the New Normal means in your life, and learning to live according to that.
It's not yet been two months. Some days, I just don't want to do much of anything. I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I need, without being indulgent, but sometimes I just want to be indulgent, too.
But, still, there is lots to be done. My official marathon training starts in one week, on July 5th and I'll be coached by Josh, aka Speedy Sasquatch. I'm excited and anxious. I have a lot of work to do.
I'm trying not to ascribe meaning to my marathon training and the marathon itself, unnecessarily. But it destroys me to know she won't be there for me at the finish, to tell me how proud she is.
Really, though, as I think about it and organize my thoughts as best I can, I don't think that my planning to run the marathon really had anything to do with anything other than proving to myself that I could do it and do it reasonably well. My mother always was proud of me when I did my best. So, maybe that is the meaning I can ascribe to this now, if it will help me get through those days when Ijustdon'twanna. That this is for me. That this is me doing my best and she would have been proud of that.