Monday, June 28, 2010

And then, I took a step...

I really wrestled with that last post. I didn't know what to say, how much to share, how much to keep to myself. I didn't know whether I should write it at all. Before I hit "publish" I called my brother and asked if he was okay with me posting this.

Ultimately, I decided, I just wanted to be honest. Before my mom died, I had planned to get back to blogging and training and blogging about training, and all the peaks, valleys, pitfalls and discoveries that happen along the way. I have never been through anything as utterly life-changing as this, and it has impacted absolutely everything about me and my plans. I couldn't write about the next months of training and hard work without writing about my mom and how much her sudden absence has effected every aspect of my life. For the most part, "normal" every day activities have resumed. But, really there is no going back to normal after something like this. There is only ache, adjustment, and discovery of what the New Normal means in your life, and learning to live according to that.

It's not yet been two months. Some days, I just don't want to do much of anything. I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I need, without being indulgent, but sometimes I just want to be indulgent, too.

But, still, there is lots to be done. My official marathon training starts in one week, on July 5th and I'll be coached by Josh, aka Speedy Sasquatch. I'm excited and anxious. I have a lot of work to do.

I'm trying not to ascribe meaning to my marathon training and the marathon itself, unnecessarily. But it destroys me to know she won't be there for me at the finish, to tell me how proud she is.

Really, though, as I think about it and organize my thoughts as best I can, I don't think that my planning to run the marathon really had anything to do with anything other than proving to myself that I could do it and do it reasonably well. My mother always was proud of me when I did my best. So, maybe that is the meaning I can ascribe to this now, if it will help me get through those days when Ijustdon'twanna. That this is for me. That this is me doing my best and she would have been proud of that.

10 comments:

  1. Sharon, so sorry to hear about your loss. Suffice it to know that your mom is still with you every step, and not just in races. I went through a similar grieving period when my dad passed. My heart smiles when I think how proud he is of me. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  2. Sharon, I wish you all the best during your training. There's nothing like a hard long run to help with the healing process. I lost my dad several years ago and anytime I'm in a race I always ask my dad to send a tailwind my way...may the wind always be at your back

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  3. That's lovely, Jamie, thank you for that.

    It's absolutely true, too, about the running. My friends and family have really rallied around me and been absolutely amazing and supportive, and have gotten me through this so far, but honestly the running has been an amazing help as well. Even little things like, "my goal today is to run an easy 4 miles," make getting out of bed easier. And those endorphins do work wonders.

    Thanks, man.

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  4. I lost my dad too and I think he is always with me on my runs. I try to make him proud.....still.

    I can't wait to follow your marathon training. Your a really good runner and will make not only your friends and family proud of you but you will make yourself proud of you. If that makes any sense at all.

    Be strong.

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  5. It does, Michelle :) Thanks.

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  6. Gosh Sharon, I've been such a bad internet friend the past few months. I'm SO SO SOOO SORRY to hear about your mother. I can't even begin to imagine how that would feel.

    That said, I'm really looking forward to you getting back to training and blogging. I can remember how excited you were months ago about taking on this challenge and I still have no doubt you have the mental determination and physical ability to do it!

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  7. Thanks, Mark. I've missed you around the interwebs. Any chance of that long-promised Coney Island run this summer?

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  8. Welcome to Team Sasquatch! And thanks for the follow on Twitter. Just read this and your last blog post and it brought tears to my eyes. My mom died 10 years ago, and reading your post brought back so many raw memories. Running was a huge stress relief for me then, as it still is today. Wishing you happy memories and huge success!

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  9. Thanks, Samantha. Thanks for the support...

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